Lisa O
Friendships are supposed to feel safe and supportive. But sometimes, what looks like a friend is really a silent rival. Someone who measures your wins against their losses, someone who would rather outshine you than lift you up. Here’s how to spot when someone views you as competition, not a true ally.
They Only Cheer When You’re Struggling
When you’re at a low point, they’re suddenly attentive—offering advice, sympathy, and support. But when you share good news, there’s hesitation, a forced smile, or a quick change of subject. They feel safest when you’re down because it places them higher in the invisible hierarchy they’ve created. Your struggles make them feel superior without having to improve themselves—and that’s not friendship, it’s rivalry.
They Downplay Your Achievements
If you get a promotion, publish a book, or reach a milestone, instead of celebrating you, they minimize it. “Oh, that’s not a big deal,” or “Everyone’s doing that these days.” They can’t outwardly attack your success without seeming petty, so they quietly chip away at its importance, trying to convince you and themselves that you’re not actually ahead.
They Always Have a “Better” Story
Share a victory or an exciting moment, and watch how quickly they pivot to themselves. No matter what you accomplish, they’ll match it—or outdo it. You ran a marathon? They once ran two. You got a new apartment? They’re planning a house purchase. Instead of celebrating your moment, they hijack it to reassure themselves they’re still “winning.”
They Give You Backhanded Compliments
They might say things that sound positive but feel strange. “You look great—finally!” or “Good for you—some people just get lucky.” These compliments are laced with subtle insults designed to undermine your confidence while maintaining plausible deniability. You leave the conversation unsure whether you were just praised or politely insulted—and that’s exactly the emotional confusion they want.
They Keep Score
Every friendship has a rhythm of give and take. But competitive friends track every favor, every success, every slip-up. It’s not about connection. It’s about tallying wins and losses. If they always remember what they did for you but quickly forget what you’ve done for them, you’re not a friend—you’re a point on their personal scoreboard.
They Subtly Sabotage Your Confidence
Instead of offering encouragement, they ask loaded questions designed to make you doubt yourself. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?” “Don’t you think it’s a little out of your league?” They act like they’re being cautious or realistic, but their real aim is to shrink your ambitions down to a size they can comfortably compete with.
They Act Distant When You’re Succeeding
Friendships are supposed to thrive when you thrive. But someone who sees you as competition becomes strangely cold when you’re doing well. They cancel plans, send dry texts, or act busy when you try to share good news. Your growth highlights their stagnation, and rather than face their own insecurities, they pull away.
They Turn Everything Into a Competition
Even the smallest things, like a board game, a workout, or a cooking attempt, become battlegrounds. They can’t just share experiences with you; they need to win them. If you start a new hobby, suddenly, they’re doing it too, and they want to be better, faster, and more successful. It’s not about bonding. It’s about staying ahead.
They Copy You (But Never Give Credit)
They pick up your style, mimic your ideas, or suddenly show interest in everything you love—without ever acknowledging where they got it from. They don’t admire you openly because, to them, that would admit you’re ahead. So they quietly copy, trying to absorb your spark while pretending it’s their own original light.
They Criticize You Publicly, Praise You Privately
When it’s just the two of you, they’re supportive. But in a group setting, they take subtle jabs—pointing out your mistakes, making jokes at your expense, or downplaying your accomplishments. They use public spaces to knock you down a peg in front of others while preserving a friendly facade in private to avoid direct confrontation.
They Offer Help You Didn’t Ask For (With Strings Attached)
They jump to “help” you with projects, opportunities, or problems—but later subtly remind you how much you “owe” them. Their offers come with invisible strings designed to create a sense of indebtedness. In their mind, helping isn’t about kindness; it’s a strategic move to gain leverage over you later.
They Act Overly Interested in Your Failures
When you mess up, they’re all ears. They ask for details, nod along, and maybe even offer comforting words. But you’ll notice their excitement feels a little too eager. Your failures make them feel safer, superior, and secretly satisfied—and they can’t quite hide the glint of triumph behind their concerned expression.
They Try to “One-Up” Your Relationships
You mention a new friendship, a relationship, a mentor—and they immediately compare theirs to yours. “Oh, my boss is way more connected,” or “My boyfriend does even more for me.” Instead of being happy you’re building a strong circle, they view every relationship you have as a direct threat to their own social standing.
They Give You Advice That Serves Them, Not You
Advice from a real friend is about your best interests. Advice from a secret rival is often designed to benefit them. They might subtly steer you toward choices that keep you smaller, safer, or even dependent on them—all while framing it as “just trying to help.” Their suggestions often protect their ego more than your dreams.
You Feel Drained After Interacting With Them
More than anything else, trust your body. Healthy friendships leave you feeling supported, energized, and valued. Friendships based on competition leave you feeling exhausted, anxious, and insecure. If you consistently walk away from time with them feeling smaller rather than stronger, it’s your intuition whispering the truth before your mind catches up.
