Lisa O
Some phrases feel neutral, polite, or even progressive on the surface—but when you look closer, they reveal discomfort with challenge, difference, or change. These expressions often let us sound open without actually being open. If you catch yourself using them, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person—it just means you’ve got room to grow, like the rest of us.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate.”
It sounds intellectual like you’re bringing balance to the conversation. But most of the time, this phrase is used to challenge someone’s deeply personal belief or lived experience for the sake of debate—not understanding. It shifts the conversation from connection to combat and conveniently allows the speaker to sidestep any responsibility for the viewpoint they’re introducing. If you’re not invested in the outcome, why bring it up?
“Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.”
True, in theory. But in practice, this phrase is often used to shut down conversation. It’s a tidy way to say, “I disagree, and I’m done listening.” While it’s healthy to acknowledge differing views, saying this can come across as dismissive when it’s used as a shortcut to avoid thoughtful engagement. Open-mindedness means being curious—not just tolerant.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
There’s a time and place for this, especially when discussions get heated. But when said too early, it acts as a polite escape from discomfort or vulnerability. It closes the door to deeper understanding and reinforces a surface-level kind of “peace” that avoids real engagement. If we always agree to disagree at the first sign of discomfort, we miss out on growth.
“I don’t see color / I treat everyone the same.”
Intended to show fairness, but it ignores the reality that people aren’t treated the same. Saying this suggests a refusal to acknowledge systemic inequalities or cultural differences. True equality doesn’t mean pretending everyone is the same—it means recognizing differences and choosing to value, not erase them. Claiming colorblindness often avoids the harder, necessary work of empathy and awareness.
“That’s just not how I was raised.”
It sounds like a harmless personal statement, but it’s often used to reject new ideas without examination. Everyone is shaped by their upbringing, but growth means questioning which parts of it still serve you—and which don’t. Using it as a conversation-ender implies you’ve stopped evolving, or worse, that the way you were raised is beyond critique.
“You do you.”
This one feels supportive. It sounds breezy and accepting. But in practice, it often carries passive judgment or a subtle undertone of “I think that’s weird, but whatever.” Instead of engaging with the other person’s choice or learning from it, this phrase keeps an emotional distance. It’s often a polite way of disengaging rather than truly understanding.
“I’m fine with it, as long as it doesn’t affect me.”
On the surface, this sounds tolerant—live and let live. But true open-mindedness isn’t conditional. Saying “as long as it doesn’t affect me” often signals a boundary drawn out of discomfort or fear, not acceptance. It treats another person’s identity or truth as tolerable only if it stays quiet, private, or out of sight.
“I’m open to it… but I just don’t think it works.”
That “but” is doing a lot of work. What this often really means is, “I want to sound reasonable while firmly holding onto my judgment.” It’s okay to disagree, but pretending to be open while closing the door mid-sentence is a form of self-deception. Being open means being willing to explore, not just to tolerate.
“People can believe what they want, but I believe in facts.”
It sounds rational—but this often implies that you have truth on your side and everyone else is deluded. The word “facts” is used here to shut down discussion, not open it. It assumes that belief and perspective don’t shape how we interpret facts. It also dismisses emotional or cultural experiences that don’t show up in data points.
“That’s just your opinion.”
This phrase masquerades as neutrality but usually carries condescension. It’s a way to imply that what the other person just said doesn’t carry much weight—because it’s “just” an opinion. Ironically, it’s often said when someone doesn’t want their own opinions to be questioned. A better response would be curiosity: “Why do you see it that way?”
“I accept everyone—as long as they’re respectful.”
Sounds fair, right? But “respectful” is often code for “as long as they don’t challenge me or make me uncomfortable.” People navigating identity, pain, or injustice may express themselves in ways that aren’t polished. Using “respect” as a gatekeeping tool keeps you from hearing real stories. Sometimes, openness means sitting with discomfort, not editing it.
“I’m not offended, so no one else should be either.”
This centers your own comfort as the baseline for what’s acceptable. Just because you wouldn’t be hurt doesn’t mean someone else isn’t. Empathy means recognizing that others have different histories, wounds, and thresholds. True open-mindedness honors those differences—it doesn’t dismiss them because they’re not yours.
“I support it, I just don’t want it pushed in my face.”
This phrase usually pops up around social change or identity. It claims tolerance, but only if it’s quiet. Only if it doesn’t challenge norms. “Pushed in my face” usually means “existing in public where I have to see it.” That’s not support—it’s discomfort with visibility disguised as neutrality.
“I’m all for equality—but not special treatment.”
This suggests a misunderstanding of what equality means. Equal outcomes sometimes require unequal effort or attention—especially when groups have been historically marginalized. This phrase resists equity while pretending to support fairness. It’s a surface-level nod to justice that denies the structural imbalances beneath it.
“I’m not judging—but…”
The moment you say this, judgment is likely coming. It’s a way of softening criticism, so it sounds less harsh—but it doesn’t actually make the comment more open-minded. True openness means owning your discomfort, your questions, even your disagreement—without trying to dress them up as “non-judgment.”
