Lisa O
Smart people don’t walk into a date with a clipboard. They’re not judging, and they’re not keeping score. But they do notice things—small things most people miss. A weird shift in tone. How you treat the server. Whether you’re listening or waiting to talk, they’re not trying to find flaws but paying attention. And on a first date, that tells them more than anything you say out loud.
How you treat the waitstaff
They’ll clock it right away. The tone you use, whether you say thank you, if you’re patient when things go wrong—they notice. It’s not about being overly polite. It’s about whether you treat people with basic respect when there’s no reason to impress. That’s usually the real version of you. And for them, it says a lot more than anything you’re trying to showcase across the table.
Whether you actually listen or just wait to speak
They’re paying attention to your pauses, not just your words. Do you ask questions and stick around for the answer? Or are you nodding while waiting to jump in? It’s not an interview—they’re just trying to see if there’s a presence behind the conversation. Smart people don’t need you to agree with them, they just want to know you’re really there, not somewhere in your head, planning what to say next.
How you handle silences
They’re not weirded out by pauses. In fact, they often prefer them to constant small talk. But they’ll notice how you sit in them. Do you fidget? Do you rush to fill the air? They’re reading whether you’re comfortable enough to let the moment breathe. For them, silence is a signal—either of tension or ease. And it can quietly reveal more than a dozen perfectly polished lines ever could.
If you talk only about yourself
A little storytelling is normal. But when the conversation loops back to you every time, they take note. Smart people aren’t keeping score—they’re just observing where your focus tends to sit. Are you curious? Do you ask questions back? Or do you treat the date like a stage? They’ll notice if it feels like a monologue. And even if they smile through it, they’re already deciding not to stay for the sequel.
How you talk about past relationships
They’re not judging you for having a past. Everyone has one. But how you speak about it—that matters. Bitterness. Blame. Oversharing. Or worse, pretending nothing ever happened. Smart people pay attention to tone and timing. Are you healed, or are you still living in it? It’s not about being perfect. They just want to know if they’re meeting the current you—or the version still tangled in someone else.
Whether your humor has sharp edges
They’ll laugh. They’ll play along. But if your jokes come at someone’s expense, they’ll feel it. Humor reveals more than people think. Do you default to sarcasm? Throw jabs disguised as “just kidding”? Smart people know there’s always a little truth inside a joke. And if the humor feels mean or defensive, they don’t ignore it. They won’t always call it out, but they’ll definitely file it away.
How comfortable you are with disagreement
They’re not trying to argue, but they’re not afraid of differences either. So when opinions shift, they’ll notice how you react. Do you double down? Laugh it off? Change the subject? For them, it’s not about who’s right—it’s about whether you can handle a moment of not seeing eye to eye without shutting down. That kind of tension is small, but revealing. Especially early on.
What you do with your phone
It’s not just about etiquette. They’re watching what you reach for when things slow down. Do you check your phone during lulls? Keep it facedown? Glance at it too often? They’re not trying to catch you slipping. They just notice what holds your attention. And if the habit is constant, it sends a quiet message: that whoever’s texting or scrolling matters more than the person right in front of you.
Whether you ask real questions
There’s a difference between “So what do you do?” and actually wanting to know the answer. Smart people aren’t looking for deep confessions. But they’re tuned in to whether your curiosity feels real. Do you follow up or sit with the answers? Or just move on like you’re working through a checklist? They want to know whether you’re interested in learning who they are or just being polite.
The way you speak about other people
They pay attention to how you talk about others when they’re not around. Is it kind? Dismissive? A little smug? Whether it’s an ex, a friend, or a stranger who walked by, your words say a lot. They’re not grading you—they’re just listening for signs of compassion or judgment. Because how you speak about other people is usually how you’ll speak about them when the date is over.
Your level of self-awareness
They’re not looking for someone who has it all figured out. That’s not real. What stands out is whether you seem to know yourself—the good parts, the messy parts, the stuff you’re still working through. Do you take up space without steamrolling? Laugh at yourself without putting yourself down? Self-awareness isn’t about perfection. It’s about honesty. And when they see it, it makes them want to lean in, not look away.
How much you try to control the vibe
Some people want to steer everything—the conversation, the energy, even how the night ends. Smart people notice that fast. They’re not rigid, but they’ll catch it if someone keeps redirecting things to stay in charge. If you’re too polished, too prepared, or too focused on keeping the date “on track,” they’ll start wondering what you’re hiding. A real connection doesn’t need that much management. And they can feel the difference.
What you do with discomfort
Dating is awkward. Everyone knows that. But what happens when it’s quiet? When you disagree? When you say something you didn’t mean to? Smart people watch how you handle those little slips. Do you laugh at yourself? Or try to cover it up? That’s what matters to them—not that you’re perfect, but that you’re okay being human. Because that’s what makes everything else feel safe.
If you’re actually showing up or just performing
They notice when someone’s trying too hard—when every sentence feels like it’s been practiced in the mirror. It’s not uncomfortable, just… off. They’re more drawn to the awkward pause, the quiet honesty, the laugh that breaks mid-sentence. That’s the stuff that feels real. They don’t care if you’re polished. They just want to feel like you’re in the room—not performing for it.
How you handle small inconveniences
The food may take too long, the table rocks or the music’s too loud. Nothing serious—but they’re watching how you respond. Do you make a big deal out of it? Stay easygoing? Move on without letting it affect you? It’s not about being perfectly chill. It’s whether you can stay present when things aren’t ideal. That tells them more than you think.
