Lisa O
When a loved one decides to leave the church, it’s natural to feel a mix of emotions. However, know that your response can build a bridge or create a wall. Some phrases can cause more harm than good, no matter what your intention is. Here are 20 things not to say to a loved one leaving the church —and why they can hurt more than help.
“Is there a sin in your life that you need to confess?”
While it may come from a place of real concern, this question puts your loved one on the defensive. Instead of opening a conversation, it shuts it down. Imagine asking someone why they quit a job and starting with, “Did you get fired for stealing?” Sounds seriously bad, right? Leaving the church is a deeply personal decision—treat it as such.
“It sounds like you are giving way to temptation and worldly culture.”
The world is full of different viewpoints. Assuming someone is simply falling into temptation overlooks the complexity of their reasoning. People leave churches for profound and thought-out reasons—not because they want an easier life. Nope. A more meaningful way to connect would be to ask, “What are some of the challenges you’ve faced in your spiritual life?”
“If you pray and read the Bible more, you will discover that leaving is wrong.”
This implies that people aren’t praying or reading scripture enough, which comes across as condescending. It dismisses the possibility that they have been deeply engaged in prayer and study—and that these practices may have contributed to their decision. Think of it like telling someone who’s already researched a health condition to “just Google it more.”
“You are relying on your feelings and emotions, not God.”
Belief is a personal and emotional experience. Suggesting that emotions are the main problem here makes your loved one feel invalidated. Imagine if someone dismissed your grief or joy by saying you’re just being emotional (how rude!). Instead of discounting their feelings, try asking, “What has this journey been like for you emotionally and spiritually?”
“If you cut yourself off from the church, you are cutting yourself off from God.”
While it’s totally understandable to feel concerned, equating church membership with salvation can feel like fearmongering. Many people maintain a deep connection with God outside of organized religion. Saying this can also create unnecessary anxiety rather than encouragement. A better approach? Show your support no matter where their journey takes them.
“You shouldn’t judge the church. Remember, Jesus said, ‘Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged.’”
Quoting scripture to silence someone’s concerns rarely works. People often leave because they feel hurt or disappointed by specific experiences. Imagine someone telling you not to judge a restaurant after you got food poisoning there—it wouldn’t feel fair. Rather, acknowledge their feelings and ask what experiences have shaped their decision. A little empathy can go a long way.
“We cannot change the church for you.”
Churches are made up of people—imperfect ones—and listening to feedback is part of growth. Imagine if a business refused to change anything because “that’s how it’s always been.” It would lose customers really fast. A better approach is to ask, “What changes do you think would make the church more welcoming?” You may learn something valuable.
“I will pray for you.” (Said with a tone of pity or superiority)
Prayer is powerful, but when delivered with a holier-than-thou tone, it feels like a backhanded blessing. Imagine someone saying, “I’ll pray for you” after you mention a bad breakup—but with a tone that implies they think you made a huge mistake. If you want to offer prayers, be genuine. Pray for that person without making them feel judged.
“The cost of discipleship is high. God rewards those who endure hardship.”
While perseverance is a valuable lesson, this comment can feel dismissive of real pain. It suggests they should endure mistreatment without addressing the root cause. Would you tell someone in a toxic relationship to “tough it out” because love requires sacrifice? No, you should never. You can say, “I know faith can be challenging. What has been most difficult for you lately?” That opens a dialogue instead of closing a door.
“You need to forgive and forget!”
Would you do the same? We know forgiveness matters, but telling someone to “forgive and forget” makes the whole healing process sound way too simple. It brushes off the depth of their feelings and experiences. You can’t tell someone with a broken bone to “just walk it off.” Forgiveness is not something you can force.
“W.W.J.D. — What would Jesus do?”
Sure, “What would Jesus do?” is a catchy phrase, but tossing it out when someone’s leaving the church isn’t as helpful as it sounds. It comes off like a quick fix for a really complicated situation. Instead of assuming Jesus would be upset with them, think about how He actually showed compassion to people wrestling with faith and belonging.
“The Bible says don’t give up meeting together.”
Bringing up Bible verses like Hebrews 10:25 without context or conversation can feel like using Scripture as a hammer instead of a guide. Think about it: would quoting this verse truly help someone who’s wrestling with their faith? Probably not. Instead of quoting, why not ask them what community means to them or how they feel about connection outside the church?
“The church is about what you can contribute, not what you receive.”
This phrase sounds like they’re leaving because they’re selfish or lazy, which probably isn’t true. A lot of people walk away because they feel ignored or unappreciated, not because they don’t want to pitch in. Instead of jumping to conclusions, try asking, “What kind of role do you wish you could have had?” or “Did you ever feel like your voice wasn’t heard?”
“Don’t reject all the good over a bit of wrong.”
Clichés like “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” might sound catchy, but they oversimplify what is usually a tough decision. The “bit of wrong” they experienced could be way more serious than you think—it might involve real harm, betrayal, or ongoing pain. Instead of brushing it off, acknowledge their hurt by saying, “It sounds like some tough stuff happened. What hurt you the most?”
“I don’t see God in what you are saying. I think you’re depressed.”
It’s risky to mix up spiritual struggles with mental health issues without really understanding what’s going on. Just imagine how dismissive it sounds to say their whole faith crisis is just because they’re depressed. While mental health and spirituality can overlap, assuming depression is the main issue can totally invalidate their spiritual journey. Just because someone’s thinking outside the box doesn’t mean they’re crazy or depressed.
“How could you do this to your family and friends? They’ll be so hurt.”
Guilt is a really bad way to try and push someone toward spiritual growth. Making them feel like the bad guy for letting others down ignores the personal struggle they’re dealing with. People don’t just leave their faith community on a whim—it’s usually a tough, painful decision they wrestle with. Trying to make someone feel guilty for something they never did is wrong in itself. Watch your actions first.
“God told me to tell you: (repent, hang in there, etc.)”
Claiming that God gave you a personal message for someone else can feel manipulative and insincere, even if your intentions are good. Unless you share a deeply trusting relationship and they’ve sought your guidance, this approach can come off as spiritual superiority. Rather than speaking for God, why not share from your own heart? What would YOU say?
“Your marriage or children will suffer if you leave the church.”
Predicting that someone’s family life is doomed just because they’re stepping away from church attendance is all based on fear and has no real basis. Relationships grow on love, communication, and respect—not just religious labels. Instead of throwing out warnings, try focusing on really listening. Ask questions like, “How do you see your family’s spiritual life growing outside of church?”
“Everyone has a faith crisis; it’s just a phase.”
Brushing off someone’s spiritual struggle as “just a phase” completely undermines their experience and makes it seem like their struggles don’t matter. Even if they come back to church later, that time of doubt or stepping away is real and important to them at the moment. Instead of downplaying it, ask questions like: “What are the biggest questions you’ve been wrestling with?”
“I hope it doesn’t take a tragedy to bring you back to church.”
This comment isn’t just harsh—it can be hurtful. It makes it sound like they’re doomed to misfortune unless they return, which feels less like concern and more like a curse. The truth is that tragedies can happen to anyone, whether they go to church or not, and no one deserves to feel like they’re being set up for punishment.
